Alexandar Tzanov ~ The Titan » Humor

The Why’s of Men

Alexandar Tzanov — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:01:59 +0000

Good morning. Here is something to start your Monday with a smile on your face, and hopefully make your week more entertaining as you share the following jokes with friends and coworkers.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
1.A Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
2.A They don’t have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
3.A They don’t stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
4.A Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
5.A So they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
6.A You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
7.A Don’t know…..it never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
8.A Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

QnA about Men

Alexandar Tzanov — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:59:59 +0000

Here is some Friday questions and answers humor about men.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Face cream and 24 cans of Budweiser.

Alexandar Tzanov — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:29:17 +0000

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

- “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

- “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

- “Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

- “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

- “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:

- “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.’”

A Dad Moment – Reading in English

Alexandar Tzanov — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:15:59 +0000

The following quote is from my desktop Dads calendar, given to me by my wife:

A Dad Moment

Ricky held his one-year-old daughter Emily in his lap. She was jabbering in baby talk as she flipped the pages of a picture book. Nearby, Ricky’s five-year-old son Tim said, “Dad, make her read it in English instead of Spanish.”.

I extremely enjoy listening to my son talking in his own language. It is fun, entertaining and animated – full of facial expressions and gestures. Moments like these are priceless, which only parents can appreciate for their true value and not just their comical relief.

Bracelet at Tiffany’s

Alexandar Tzanov — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 06:48:59 +0000

A lady walks into Tiffany’s jewelry store. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany’s, and greets the lady with: “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks: “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers: “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price!”

Bullets are cheaper.

Alexandar Tzanov — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:30:59 +0000

In America police cruisers, also known as police interceptors, are designed to ram other vehicles, especially when pursuing an offender. One of the techniques used, if the policeman can get close enough, is to clip the offender’s vehicle in the rear, either on the left or right side of the car. This causes the vehicle to spin and in most cases results in the engine seizing, which in turn gives cops just enough time to surround the offender.

It appears , though, that in Russia bullets are cheaper, even when the chase is moving at less than 10 miles per hour.

It appears to me that after the long! chase, the offender had finally given up as a result of losing control over the vehicle due to nearly dieing from laughter. Unfortunately a quick beat down was administered by the police!

Thank you EnglishRussia.

Mo` Epic Fails

Alexandar Tzanov — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:41:47 +0000

I came across this video by accident, but I find it hilarious. It’s always good to see videos showing you how not to be a Darwinism candidate. Enjoy.

Religious oxymoron?

Alexandar Tzanov — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:13:29 +0000

On the way to work this morning I ended up behind a van. The van had the Jesus fish on its rear door, but I could also see a dream catcher hanging from the driver’s visor.

Now, doesn’t this classify as a religious oxymoron? I mean, how can you follow Jesus and then believe in something from people who believe in Nature and its mystical powers. Personally I take this as that person either doesn’t believe in either, are not too serious about their religion or is using the dream catcher as a decorative item. The latter I find somewhat disrespectful.

There once was a woman

Alexandar Tzanov — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:25:37 +0000

Today’s massmail joke is:

One day, long, long ago…….
there lived a woman who did not nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago…….
and it was just that one day.

The End

Love Poetry

Alexandar Tzanov — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:09:25 +0000

I received these in an email from my friend. They are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you’re not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other,
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes …
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Way to go Microsoft!

Alexandar Tzanov — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 05:48:59 +0000

I was going through old emails in my email inbox and I found an old event promo email from Microsoft. The email was about the Microsoft Connections Event for Small Businesses held in Lincolnshire. What was funny about it was that the event was from 8 AM to 12 PM on the day I received the emails 15 minutes after the event had ended.

Way to go Microsoft, sending out a mass email, about an event you had organized, 15 minutes after the event had already ended. That was really useful heeds up wast of my time.

TEAM ROOMBA: TF2 Griefing 2

Alexandar Tzanov — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 05:27:26 +0000

This video is hilarious. Be ware that there is adult verbiage in it. So, if such language bothers you - don’t watch.

Personally I hate dealing with players like this, unless it is my own clan mates and we are on the server for the sole purpose of screwing around. It is one thing having to put up with people that you know. It is completely different having to put up with a guy or a few, who decided to be complete dicks to everyone on the server.

I did like the trivia portion if it.

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

Alexandar Tzanov — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 03:48:43 +0000

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal, what do I need?

ABBO T T: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOT T: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to c copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…..

Haha – no way!!!

Alexandar Tzanov — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 06:34:06 +0000

Amanda and I just finished watching the Whole Nine Yards on DVD. I switched the receiver to TV. Apparently the cable box was on, because what I saw confused me for a moment. I guess I forgot to turn off the c-box when I put in the DVD. Before the movie Amanda was watching Seinfeld on TBS earlier, so that was the channel that was on at the moment. Guess which movie they were showing? That’s right – the Whole Nine Yards, it was about half way through. I find it funny, that Amanda and I rented the DVD and we watched the movie the same night and at about the same time it was being broadcasted.

What a coincidence?!

Amazing Facts

Alexandar Tzanov — Sun, 08 Jan 2006 16:37:24 +0000

Here is a list of some amazing facts I found while browsing other blogs on the Net.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can’t stick its tongue out.
A shrimp’s heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Horses can’t vomit.
Sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

Although the first and last ones I have seen as 95% and 90%, respectively.